Friday Humor

[vristang]

Things to make you stop and think

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
thedriveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.

[vristang]

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.

[LordMustangGT]

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.

FTW   

[vristang]

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

[vristang]

A small boy is sent to bed by his father...

[Five minutes later]

"Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later]

"Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

[Five minutes later]

"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

[vristang]

I Could Use a Little Money
Dear Father,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

[GT347]

A  man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
       
      On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear--everything there was! Wow!
       
      Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola, and MandMs. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
       
      He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
       
      One eye opened. The wife said, "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
       
      The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

[vristang]

The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

LOL


I'm starting to worry that I might repeat some jokes, but oh well....

Looking to buy a frog?

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

[vristang]

Making a bet at a bar

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

[vristang]

The story of a very short man

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"

[LordMustangGT]

   good ones

[GT347]

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
       
      "Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
       
      "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
       
      "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."
       
      "That's still too expensive," the man says.
       
      "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."
       
      "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
       
      "Hm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."
       
      "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for an appt next Tuesday!"

[vristang]

LOL
You married guys are posting similar jokes.... Am I seeing some hostility there???   
Since I'm still single.......







A Polish mans wife had triplets....



He got his gun and went looking for the other 2 guys.

[vristang]

Kinda dirty, but funny...


This girl was riding in a car with her boyfriend. She got bored and said "Every time you speed up 5MPH I'll take some clothes off."

Well, this went on for about 15 minutes until she was naked and he was going about 95MPH. They lost control of the car and crashed into a tree.

The guy was hurt pretty badly and his car door was crushed to the point where he couldn't open it. His naked girlfriend was fine and could get out of the car.

So, she took her boyfriend's shoe and put it in front of her crotch and covered her chest with her arm. She flagged down a car. Without thinking she said "HELP MY BOYFRIEND IS STUCK AND HE CAN'T GET OUT!!"

The guy in the car looked at the shoe on her crotch and his eyes got really big. He said "If he is that far in, he's not coming out!"

[GT347]

LOL
You married guys are posting similar jokes.... Am I seeing some hostility there???   
Since I'm still single.......

 

Here is some humor that really happened. Sue & I went out to Chineese food Friday night. While I was waiting for the check, she walked over to Office Max to buy something. The waiter brought two fortune cookies. I had forgotten about them, so when they showed up, I thought YEAH! Sue won''t even think about them, so I can probably wolf down my cookie and hers. Of course, while chomping down the first cookie, I read the fortune and it says "You are not a selfish person". I thought OH BITE ME!!!, Why couldn't I have eaten the other cookie first, and then while I was sucking down the 2nd one, I would be reading that fortune when it would be too late to do anything about it!

Bottom line, my consciene got the best of me because of that fortune, and saved her cookie for her. Moral of the story, always eat both cookies, before bothering to read them stinking fortunes.